Where is the Zen?

Frankly, I don't know where the inner peace I once achieved went. I used to be able to close my eyes and feel connected with the universe. I was able to accept and see the purpose of life and the actions that we carry out as humans. Now when I close my eyes, a million thoughts and images flash across my eyes. A sense of disconnection to everything vibrates within my body. And the feeling of pointlessness consume my limbs. Where? & How?

I think that I need to organise my room tomorrow. Make some tea and think.

Feeling obligated

I really shouldn't be writing a post unless I know what I am writing. But feeling obligated to keep this blog going, I should write something. Ya?

Even though the theme of this summer was 'classy summer', ironically, it turned into [well sort of] slutty, which was last year theme. For some reasons [& I do know why], my BIG goal for this year was to get some summer loving [physically] & I tried. Unfortunately, it backed fire and more drama came about than love. Fortunately, my cherry is still fresh as the day I was born [ok maybe not so fresh anymore now that I am 20]. But, you know what I am trying to say.

What did I learn from all of this? I don't [shouldn't] really care about trying too hard to get some actions or a boyfriend or whatever that makes me happy. What will happen, will happen. Frankly, I am not motivated enough, and I am definitely over 'trying too hard to get something that I truly want'. [Not to mention I am sick of Midwest guys. Because what I really need is a guy who is comfortable with himself [gay and not gay parts].

What I need to do before school start? Jesus helps me...

1. Finish my french book. I got about 6 chapters to go. & I will technically finish my 200s level french. Think about this, at the beginning of the summer I was only at 101 level.

2. Finish reviewing all my nursing classes. [ok this one will not be accomplished. I know for sure].

3. Print out a shit loads of paperwork and get them sign sign sign so that I can start my clinical.

4. Buy white leather shoe! MY worst enemy. I hate white shoes. PERIOD!

5. Buy loads of books. Like loads. oh my wallet.

6. Finalize my living situation. cable, electric, etc.

7. Something that I am forgetting right now. sigh.

I am in panic mode. Or at least I should be.

QUOTE: "I will bitch slap you and cut off your penis!" - Minh to Wesley

What would [should] I be if nursing wasn't it?

Ten things I could see myself doing instead of nursing!

1. be a hobo - no! not involuntary. I meant voluntary. For the longest time, I really want to take a week out of my life and just be homeless. Not only will it be educational, but it will slap me to reality like a jolt of cold water in the shower [you know it happens]!

2. Go to music school and be a composer. I often think that I have mild savant syndrome. Because I could hum an original melody [usually classical music] out of thin air without thinking. & I could go on for minutes [ if not hours, though I haven't try.] I would really like to develop this ability.

3. Join the peace corp. I always want to go to South Africa.

4. Go to fashion school, learn how to construct clothes, and eventually be a fashion designer. [famous? maybe.] & try out for project runway of course. DUH!

5. go to culinary school, be a french chef or pastry chef. [& try out for top chef. You know where I am going with this, Bravo!]

6. Be a gogo dancer! Yes it has been my long time passion.

7. Go to the wood and live an organic and simple life. This probably is the least likely to happen. But the idea is so ever attractive to this hippy mind.

8. Be a complete slut and be a gold digger. I am not above that. Maybe then will I be featured in one of those housewives shows on Bravo. The housewives of gayville: Minh!

8.1 Maybe we cross that out.

9. Be a language teacher [in other countries]. One of other passions in life is languages & I think that I have the ability to learn languages fairly quickly [if I have time of course].

10. Be a therapist with a master in psychology. Though I hate drama, I do love listening to other peoples' dramas and offer advices.

11. For luck: Finish my books. Yes I have way too many ideas for books and plays that I never started. Sad!

12: edit: I also think that I could be a traveling musician. I always wanted to be in a band.

I want to have a Sweet Dream like Beyonce!

If I could ever be a celebrity, I probably would either choose to be like Beyonce or Ayumi Hamasaki. We all know why I would like to be Ayu. But for Beyonce, well... she is just fabulous and pretty. & with that body, I could conquer the world. Or just get a date. ON that note, I am going on a date on Monday. YAY!

JULY 4th!

Happy no tea day America! All those tea wasted! Darn you!!!

On a different note, new favorite obsession. I love love love Jay Brannan. cute.

feel like crying

At this moment in time I seriously consider of driving to my favorite crying spot in KC and cry my heart out. These past few days haven't been good for me. One thing I would tell is that I met a guy online and we talked. I developed a crush (which I don't do very likely. You have to be pretty special for me to do so). Anyway, I created unnecessary drama by being way too forward (& I wasn't thinking properly also). No details. But seriously, I need someone to guide me through the process of picking up guys. I am clueless.

I don't develop feeling for peoples likely. But when I do and get rejected, well it is hard. & it doesn't help that I haven't been very successful so far.

In someway, I am feeling a bit better by just writing this situation out. Thank you for reading. Also, listening to this song made me feel a little bit better.